if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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