you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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