the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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