if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
