my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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