he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
