At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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