The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
