I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
