just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
