I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
