We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
