I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
