get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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