you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
