he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
