She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize