I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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