so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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