I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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