I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
