if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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