Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
