you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
