Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just want to make out with him forever
How does it feel to date your dad?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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