last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
