Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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