i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
