I cannot find my penis.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
