I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you have to choose: penises or morals?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
