dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
