i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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