I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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