Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
