My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
