The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
