I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
my poor anus
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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