I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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