wakey wakey hands off snakey
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
