we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
