you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Houston, we have a squirter
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
