WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
