I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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