I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
