You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
