take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
