Umm I'm too high to move.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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