she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
