I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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