you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
