First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
