I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
