On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
