TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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