Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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