Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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