I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
